Wait, Watch and Wonder

Your Baby’s “Internal Attunement”: Feeling Good on Their Own

You know how certain people seem to feel fundamentally okay when they’re alone—just themselves? They’re confident and comfortable in their own skin. Other people feel uneasy without distraction or company at all times. The idea of comfort and trust in oneself (known as “internal attunement”) is something that isn’t usually communicated to parents, but it’s really important.

In babies, this capacity grows slowly. It builds in the moments your baby is separate from you, when she can practice exploring and building self-confidence in her inner world; and it applies to daytime but also nighttime patterns. In fact, when we meet teens and adults who can’t sleep well (or be alone in general), we wonder if this critical piece of confidence and internal attunement is underdeveloped.

Instead of only sending the message, “you need me,” to your child, we want to help you give her the chance to feel secure by herself and able to sleep peacefully (knowing Mom or Dad is nearby). When our babies gradually become conscious of the feeling of comfort and trust in themselves—solving some of their own dilemmas and being okay on their own—they start to develop the inner world of their mind and a growing awareness of their unique self. This “awareness of awareness” or relationship with self is part of what makes us uniquely human and able to move through the world with kindness and compassion.

EXERCISE: WAIT, WATCH, AND WONDER (ALSO KNOWN

AS, LET HIM BE! )

This exercise is a great way to watch your baby’s process of internal attunement. See your baby staring at his hands, at the tree branches swaying outside the window, or the light dancing across the ceiling? Wait, don’t do anything. Watch, notice everything you can about what your baby is up to. Wonder, how long will he continue and what will he do next? If your baby is happy and/or focused in his own little world, let him be! Don’t feel as though he needs your constant stimulation and input. How about times when your baby is struggling, persisting, maybe even getting a little frustrated? Maybe he’s reaching for a toy or trying to roll or crawl. Again, despite our impulse to help and rescue, the attuned response is to wait, watch, and wonder.

When babies gain this confidence during the day, it strengthens their ability to access it at night!

Excerpted from The Happy Sleeper (Penguin).

Need help with your baby’s independent sleep? See the online class for babies 4-24 months.