How To Raise Kids With a Generous Spirit

I didn’t drop it!

I didn’t do it! 

I already took my plate in so I’m done! 

It’s my turn, give it to me!

I need that toy, buy it for me! 

Kids say things sometimes that make us question whether they can see beyond their own needs and desires. We often hear parents asking how to teach kids to appreciate what they have and to help others. But in fact, generosity is a natural social skill. Humans are social creatures and inherently do better in cooperation with each other.  Kids learn generosity from modeling, and also from being on the receiving end of generosity. This is very similar to the development of empathy: empathy is natural and it grows from being empathized with. When it comes to nurturing a sense of generosity in your family, here are some ideas to keep in mind: 

Engender a “help each other” mentality with your children and eventually it will become a family value that everyone in the household is familiar with. When you need help, you ask your kids to help you: 

I need the team on this! Everyone take a plate or a dish, until we’ve finished the table. 

Ack, stuff fell out of my bag. I need help here. Thank you!

And when they need your help, you help them: 

You’ve got a lot of paper scraps from your project there, let me give you a hand. 

Oops, the cup tipped and spilled. You grab the napkins, I’ll get a sponge. 

It’s great to teach kids personal responsibility (clear your own plate, pick up your room), but we don’t want kids to focus narrowly on taking care of themselves. Imagine your child, in a future adult relationship, saying to his partner, “You dropped that glass on the floor; you’re on your own!” or simply saying and doing nothing. There are so many examples like this in our home, work and social life, where automatically jumping in to help family, friends, even strangers is what life is all about. It’s the source of many small moments of connection and ultimately, our own happiness. What would life look like if we all thought beyond ourselves, helped each other and operated as a team? From a young age, we can help direct our little one’s attention to where others could use help, and practice putting themselves in other people’s shoes. We can raise a child who is generous of spirit and kind, rather than one who is self centered, tilting toward narcissistic.

Mommy, Daddy, What Can I Do to Help? Get in the habit of having your kids ask you every day, “What can I do to help?” (One partner can discreetly prompt the child to say this to the other partner.) You ask too—it’s a two-way street. You’re setting a tone of caring and being attuned to each other’s needs. It’s the opposite of being self-centered. We don’t intend to raise self-centered kids, but if we only focus on their schoolwork, their activities, and their needs, we are doing so unwittingly. It takes a clear intention to add in a focus on“other” to counter all the “me, me” focus inherent in their world.

Narrate when you see or feel generosity. If your child does something with a generous spirit, reflect on it. It helps draw kids’ attention to behaviors and feelings associated with generosity and some kids do need us to point this out so the connections become stronger in their minds between actions and warm fuzzy feelings when someone thinks about us.

Thank you for asking me how I’m doing. Feels nice to share with you!

Oh I saw her big smile when you handed the toy to her. 

You look relieved! Your friend saw how heavy your bucket was and helped you carry it.

Help others together. Find ways to volunteer in your community that will naturally let your kids become aware of people who live with far less privilege.  Doing this will be much more powerful and meaningful than telling them how lucky they are to have all that they do. It’s meaningless to a child to be told, “You should be grateful, you already have more toys than a lot of kids.”  That kind of statement can also make them feel guilty for something they have no control over.

Come bearing gifts. If you don’t already do this, create a family habit of bringing a small offering when you visit family and friends.  It can be food, drink, a drawing or any small token of kindness.  If it’s a present occasion, like someone’s birthday, engage your child in brainstorming what type of gift the person would really like.

Cook together.  Planning, cooking and serving meals inherently provides an experience of thoughtfulness and caring. Talk about what foods the person you’re feeding is particularly fond of and involve your child as much as possible in helping.  Even if he just feels like he’s helping (even if it’s harder for you this way), it counts.

Assume the best intentions of your little one. If your child does something frustrating, breaks a family agreement, doesn’t listen to you, or in any other difficult moment, rather than just reacting to the behavior itself, think to yourself, “What is he trying to tell me? What is he working on?” See if you can stretch yourself to assume your child is doing his best and is showing you that he needs your guidance and help in that moment. Reacting in this way sets a tone in the family that starts from empathy and generosity.