The Case For Not “Sleep Training” Too Early
More and more these days, we’re hearing from parents of newborns about how they’re feeling the pressure to get their very young baby sleeping through the night. Way before babies are mature enough to be capable of reliably self soothing and still young enough to need night feeds, moms and dads are inundated with advice from well meaning friends about rigid schedules, giant bottles, and letting babies cry themselves to sleep. They tell us they’ve read their baby should sleep through the night at 12 weeks, or that there’s a “rule” of leaving a baby in bed for an hour at nap time, no matter what and not feeding them when they’re hungry, unless an unnaturally long time limit has passed.
We have such empathy for parents who are already overwhelmed by all the changes a new baby brings. It’s very enticing to think you can get a newborn to sleep like an older baby, as the fog of sleep deprivation sets in. But the truth is that human babies are born less mature than any other species due to the size of our fabulous brains. The very feature that makes us capable of higher thought processes is the same thing that makes the first three months of parenting a Herculean task. Needless to say, young babies still need our help with sleep for a little while, as their brains, bodies and sleep function mature, and as their sense of secure attachment grows.
The truth is that there’s a much more relieving way to think about infant sleep that’s backed by the science of infant development.
Self Soothing Abilities Unfold Over Time
Newborns do need help from us to calm and soothe their nervous systems, but over the first 5 months of life, the self soothing skills that lead to independent sleep gradually emerge. In chapter three of The Happy Sleeper book and online class for babies 0-4 months, we teach parents how to step back just a little bit so they can follow their babies’ emerging self soothing abilities. The goal is to give babies space to show you what they can do today that they couldn’t do yesterday, while ensuring that we’re not asking too much of a baby who’s not yet capable. We call this the “curious stance.” Using these strategies, along with optimal timing, routines and sleeping environment, we typically see sleep stretch out as babies grow.
Attune and Trust will Grow
The benefit to following your baby’s natural development is a sense of trust in their innate wisdom and relief that you don’t have to manipulate or muscle them into a rigid sleep mold that feels more like a fight than a dance of attunement. Even better, you’re building secure attachment by responding to your baby’s cues with sensitivity, which is critical. This includes feeding on demand, using the span of awake time to determine naps and climbing our popular “soothing ladder” so you can give your baby just the amount of help she needs in that moment. She will internalize a sense of trust that the world is a safe place where her needs are met. In addition to being necessary for a sense of contentment and well-being in life, this helps with sleep later on, we promise!
The Light at the End of the Tunnel: Sleep is Natural
The good news is, babies are built to sleep! We’re all born with a strong, primitive sleep function, hardwired in our brains and bodies. By the age of roughly 5 months, most babies are capable of independent sleep which is the greatest predictor of that much desired, “sleeping through the night.” When we help parents implement the Sleep Wave at this age (handing over the role of self soothing cleanly and completely) we are confident that the baby is very capable. Over and over, we see babies this age and older, click into independent sleep in under a week. It really feels like a game changer (even though we’re not surprised anymore because we know it’s natural).
No train in “Sleep Training”
We don’t actually use the term “sleep training.” Since sleep is a natural function babies are hardwired for, you can’t actually train them to fall asleep any more than you can train them to swallow, breathe or eventually crawl and walk. We love helping parents shift to thinking about helping babies access their natural ability to sleep well, which is easy when they’re ready, rather than something we have to train them to do, which feels hard.
Babies are incredibly wise. Over and over, if we pay attention, they show us just what they need!
You can take The Happy Sleeper Online Sleep Class for Babies 0-4 Months to learn the gradual techniques for little babies, or 4-24 Months to learn the details and a comprehensive sleep to help your baby sleep through the night.